Deep and unshakable confidence empowers my writing and words flow out of me – time falls away as I punch in key after key on my mechanical keyboard. From the here and now, consciously I visit the past only to share with you in present moment – the things that brought about my change. Events that is important for you to know, events that no longer matter to me or hold any significance as they are in the past. If described properly, it should bring tears to your eyes.
I don’t know you and you don’t know me. That’s a fact. I know that and you know that. Interestingly enough if nobody makes an effort to reach out – there will be no contact. In this case, I will take the first step. It’s okay, I will shoulder that burden for the both of us. There is a saying; some things are best kept secret and it was invented because somewhere, someone thought that their secrets could hurt somebody else. I don’t wish to hurt you, quite on the contrary. I wish to take you through a journey of time, love, hatred, envy, depression, passion. Through past and present moment thinking, together we shall transform; me through sharing my story and you through reading it. So buckle in my new found friend because like with all great stories we have to start at the beginning.
I will start of by introducing my father into the story. He is an important character, someone that I hated for most of my life and vowed to destroy. To this day I don’t know much about my father other than his name. I don’t know who he was before he was my father, I was never told. In my earliest memory I was young perhaps 3 or 4 years old and he was just there. I remember resting my head on his chest and using it as a pillow while he was reading Mickey mouse, lovingly. As he spoke the words reverberated through his chest – lulling me to sleep. Like a movie scene we will move on to the very next memory that I have of my father, this time I was perhaps 6 or 7 years old.
Suddenly I was awake, in the middle of the night. Someone was screaming, very high pitched; there was an unusual amount of commotion in an otherwise quiet apartment. I jumped out of bed and ran to see what was going on. To my horror I saw my father standing over my mother. Punching her, kicking her and screaming at the top of his lungs, perhaps I was crying at this point. I don’t know. I just stood there and watched what was going on, unable to do anything. My feelings shut off and complete darkness enveloped me. In the next conscious moment I saw my mother jump and throw herself out of my window, it was surreal – it looked like something that would happen in a movie.
By now police had arrived to the scene and was restraining my father. I retreated within’ and completely lost track of what was happening outside. I remember opening my eyes and being in an unfamiliar bed, unable to sleep most of the night until I finally dose of in the early morning hours.
After properly introducing you to my father, I will now properly acquaint you with my mother. The second important character in this story, but where should I start? Let’s see. After she fell and injured herself both physically and mentally, she came back strong. Her actions where gentle but her eyes told me of betrayal – betrayed by the person whom she vowed to stay together with for the rest of her life. I tell you, it was unreal and brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. She had two kids to take care of and refused to let anyone but her do our upbringing. She stopped studying and went on well-fare and nurtured us through school as best as she could. My brother and I were rowdy children, full of drama and always up to mischief. When we would misbehave and not listen she would beat us – but always gently. I never once hated her for it; instead I bottled it up and kept going forward, because there was nowhere else to go.
I was always a curious kid, hungry for adventure. I would often climb and jump from rooftops to rooftop and rise to any challenge. From a young age I was pushing my comfort zone, unknowingly. I only did the things I enjoyed and disregarded everything else. At an early age I fell in love with video games – I would play for hours on end, skipping school and calling in sick, eating junk food, completely disregarding everything else other than that 18 inch screen. You see….. It was my world, everything I had. I didn’t have a father figure or anyone to model and video games became my escape. Blinded by the violence on screen and the hatred inside, I always started fights at school and soon I built an epic reputation. Kids from all over knew who I was and building my reputation became my hobby to pass time. Fighting just became another way to quench my thirst for adventure. I learned the art of intimidation and at a young age I was playing cleaver mind game’s with the teachers and my classmates.
I always knew how to dramatize and make a fight epic, when to back off and when to strike. I learned that surprise was my greatest weapon and to everyone around me, I seemed fearless. But inside I just felt alone. I got diagnosed with ADD, ADHD and everything else under the sun. But what they didn’t know was that I was doing everything on purpose, not by impulse. I hated the world and this was my way of showing it.
For years I escaped and by the time I was 16 I was overweight by a lot. I can’t remember how much, but a lot. I was fat but enjoyed moving because in my sedentary lifestyle I never got to move around much. Jogging and football became my teenage passion and over a summer I shed 22 kilos. I became a different person – I had reached my first milestone in my life before I was born again. I saved my grades in one semester, it was epic and I graduated from junior high school, which runs all the way until you are 16 in my country.
This was my first experience saving myself. I simply took myself by the horn and lost the weight. It was my first experience of building some self-worth.
Youth gained and youth wasted
I had gained some resemblance of happiness in my life. I was excited for my first semester in college, I was met by an awesome class and by this time I had made amazing friends both at school and outside of school. I was put into new circumstances and changes were made, the reputation that I had built was disappearing and I was leaving my old life behind. My new way of seeking adventure was partying and drinking heavily. When I would drink I would come in touch with my reckless out of control nature and I would try all sorts of things. Like this I lived for a year but something was missing – inside I felt alone and nothing I did ever filled that feeling. No friends, no family and worst of all; not even love itself.
There was something inside of me longing for more, how much more you ask? Endlessly more, I wanted to reach higher heights and without any idea of how to fill that void I quit school and went in search of answers in the only place that I knew, the world of video-games.
At first I played to my heart’s content. Joyfully so, I became better and better at playing games. For the first time in my life I was devoting all my time and senses to something. I rarely slept, I rarely ate. I just played. Time fell away when I played and nothing could touch me. I locked myself up in my room and concentrated on becoming the best at my craft – from the crack of dawn all the way into the night, I was playing.
For a person born with an active body and an even more active mind, this was a recipe for disaster.
During this period my body was deteriorating, I was rapidly thinning out and my active mind that I had been ignoring went into overdrive. Depression hit me like lightning. One moment it was just there – crushing me. Every day I felt like I was choking. The muscles of my throat had clenched so tight that I was afraid of eating. My body was against me, I had no control. My mind had gone haywire and madness consumed me. I was afraid of everything around me; basic things like social contact or eating food or showering for that matter were out of the question. I just lay in my bed shivering – day in and day out. My only solitude was listening to audio books on an IPod I had found on the street years earlier. I listened from morning to night shivering and just drinking tea, which made things even worse. In this fashion two years passed me by in the blink of an eye and I tell you; until this day I still remember how many times I left my house in the span of those two years – 7 times. I remember them because to me they were so traumatic. I contemplated death numerous times; the only reason to why I still am alive is that I was too afraid to even take my own life. Fearing both life and death I was left with the worst paradox that a human can imagine.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Quite a fitting quote from Martin Luther King – It fits this part of the story perfectly because I tell you; In the midst of this chaos I had my first spiritual moment. When my situation had fist-fucked me hard enough I went deep inside and I found something. At first it whispered, ever so gently. Then the whispers turned louder and yet louder until they reverberated through my very being. I couldn’t ignore it so I pushed the lid over and looked at what was inside the box.
Inside there was light; the light of my childhood. There it was – the feeling that had occupied most of my childhood. That intangible something inside that wanted more and I just knew what to do. I opened my computer and typed in anxiety – cure and as luck or fate would have it, that very day I found a fantastic book written by Dr. Linden and the book was called “The Linden Method”
I tore through this book; I read it and treated it as my personal bible. Everything that was written I retained and understood fully. I read for 8 hours straight, unable to direct my attention elsewhere. I concentrated as hard as I could until the sound of fireworks broke my concentration. I had not noticed that it was a new year, as I had this realization that a new year was upon me my mind woke up from my two year slumber. I was still anxious and afraid, but I was fully conscious for the first time in two years.
I gritted my teeth and went out that night – I looked up at night sky and vowed that I would be better. I cried out in rage and anger, wolf-like I was howling into the night. I screamed until my heart was content, it was late and nobody else was out. I swore that I would seek out everything upon this earth and under the sun, that I was afraid of and kill it.
Overnight I was born again. Nothing before this moment really mattered; here is where my life started. Through my journey I have come to many realizations and one of them is that I’ve always been alive – it’s actually quite a simple realization. But it has subtle implications. I have not been beating my own heart all this time or controlled my own breathing or digested my own food. If matters such as this were left to me it would turn into one great big mess. The process of life has always been happening since I was officially born into this world. But I don’t remember that, in all honesty I can’t remember most of my childhood however I remember this moment clear as day. The moment I was born again.
Remembering my vows over and over again I attacked life with everything I had. I strove for perfection in every area and I brought myself back from being underweight into something respectable. Spirituality had to wait – I had a score to settle with life. I dove head first back into school and quickly realized that I didn’t care for the education system so I educated myself – In the arts of meditation, philosophy, poetry, reading and writing. I became a true renaissance man, a jack of all trades.
I decided not just have friends for the sake of having friends. I decided to seek out people who inspired me; people who would make me step up and take things to the next level. I was ruthless I cut out people who were there for me at my worst times and people who ignored me. Anyone who wasn’t doing something worthwhile with their life was cut out.
Before I knew it I got quickly bored and I decided to sharpen my social skills, I spent day and night reading and gathering everything I could on being social. At night I played simulations over and over in my head, simulations of me talking to people and when I was sleeping; I would dream up sharp and witty conversations. At day I would talk to strangers everywhere I could – I had a keen sense for this, a sort of knack. It came very easily. Any opportunity to get social I would take and after I became comfortable doing that I would challenge myself to push beyond my social boundaries to try crazy things, I experimented over and over again, made a fool of myself. I learned a lot through trial and error and before you knew it I was talking myself into amazing situations and talking myself out of a lot of problems. My intelligence was now my sharpest weapon. Calm, levelheaded and collected, I went about my worldly business.
The intelligence that I was proud of only took me so far as I started to question who I really was. I questioned my thoughts and my emotions, where do they come from and what are they? What is life and what is death? I asked friends and family and they only told me what they believed. They talked about god and religion and what would happen after death. Some remained neutral and claimed to be atheists – non believers. But how did they know? How did the believers know that something existed after death? And how did the non-believers know that nothing existed after death? People would only tell me what they believed and what they heard by someone else or what they read. But none of them had experienced it for themselves.
You see, when you talk about something you have not yet experienced yet you are either making up a fairy tale or contributing to one that already exists. If I were to talk about any subject that’s out of your experience – Now you only have the choice to either believe me or not believe me, this is not a good position for either you or me as none of us are close to the truth.
So my new found friend, let’s talk about things that are in our experience, things that we know are true and work with life that is throbbing within’ each of us. Not against it, with it. But that’s a discussion for another day as I grow very weary of writing for now. However, before we part ways I will leave you with a gift; a quote that I wrote by heart.
“The next life is not certain and anybody who is talking about something that is not yet in their experience is making stuff up. We do know that life is here and now throbbing within’ all of us, we know that we can love and that we can share what little we have while we go through life lovingly.”
Question: Do you have any memorable moment of personal transformation? Leave a comment bellow.