Life’s mysterious way
I’m struggling to put words to this piece of writing. I usually don’t struggle at all, words seem to come to me out of nowhere, but there’s a part of me that just can’t believe that…. I’m about to publicly share these things that are going on in my personal life.
I was struck by a sentence today that said: The best stories are true stories. It made me think about authenticity and just how authentic I am in my life. I don’t like to hide things and I make a lot about myself known and that’s always something I thought was beautiful about myself, but no matter how much I share about my life, no matter how many times I go public there are still parts of me that I don’t share with anyone, ever. I sort of struggle along silently, just like everybody else.
A few years back when I was 19 during what I call my ‘’scientist time,’’ I spent a lot of time researching emotional mastery. I remember back then I was obsessed about the subject of dating, going out sober and how to improve my personality in practical way that could be felt by another person.
I think I’ve never been obsessed about anything as much as I was at that time. I didn’t have a normal day job and I used to live with my mom. I spent all my time reading about psychology, listening to talks, reading books, watching YouTube videos. Any piece of advice that I came across I would take with me during the evenings and go out sober and experiment.
I would go to the nicest parties, events and places in Stockholm and meet people. I would talk to women everywhere, on the buses, in the metro station, at day, at night. As if that was not enough, I eventually went full potato and was out every single day both in the day and in the night just socializing and meeting people for more than 7 months when I was 19, I also had more than half a year of doing the same when I was 20 and also when I was 21 I was out every single day for more than half a year.
I wanted to reach some sort of intangible perfection. I don’t think I could quite put the finger on what it was I wanted to achieve myself but I liked the grind. I loved going back out there again and again, despite what happened or what other people thought.
I eventually decided to move to Barcelona and met my girlfriend on the street while I was walking around the first few days after arriving. At the time I had no ambitions whatsoever to be in a relationship, but I think nobody ever does. It sort of just happens. I picked up a regular day job working in a call center, went out once in a while only when my inherit nature couldn’t take not going out anymore. The reason for this drastic change was back when I was going out all the time, I was secretly jealous of all the successful people that I followed online.
They had the money, the relationships, and the freedom to travel and live anywhere. Sure, I dated a lot and had fun, but I couldn’t just travel anywhere I wanted when I wanted. I always had to be super conscious of my money and I couldn’t take a break from work whenever I wanted to do something meaningful and if I did, if I spent time unemployed a few months a year, eventually I had to go back working for someone else again to keep myself afloat. I hated it. I never fit in the normal 9-5 environment. I was too outspoken, too out there. I had too many ideas and I always found a way to do my own thing no matter what anybody told me, and this always pissed off any boss I would have.
Consequently, I always quit working or I ended up getting fired. It just was never in me to conform. The work places where I stayed the longest was where I got the most freedom, but eventually as I was craving more and more freedom they too would give up. They always told me ‘’Abbe, you’re doing great and we really like your results, but…. Could you try to listen to us more and be like everyone else?’’ My doing my own thing would make other people wanting to do their own thing and that was always bad because it would destroy the structure.
I ended up having an existential crisis. I missed that obsession that I once was pursuing. I missed feeling like I didn’t have to eat or sleep or do anything else than just working on myself. I pushed on towards one call center job after another. I woke up anxious, went to bed anxious, I lost my sex drive. I didn’t know my place in the world anymore, nothing seems to matter or excite me. Conversations with friends and family quickly turned dull, and I wanted to spend more time away from my girlfriend.
All this has been happening up until the present moment. I picked up yet another call center job for money reasons a month and a half ago, again I didn’t fit in and I got fired last week. I never felt so relieved, so happy, so fulfilled as when I walked out of that office.
I’m still looking for that obsession. Something that I can pour my very being into, something where I can go harder than anyone else, somewhere where I feel I truly belong. You might think at this point, why don’t you just go back to doing what you used to do? What I used to was spend my nights with different women and my weekends going out with friends partying, it just doesn’t fit with my current relationship.
And that is some real shit. People talk about all sorts of things, happiness, fulfillment, tranquility and peace of mind. I do too, a lot, but life is not always full of roses…. And if you still think life is full of roses, you have to remember that roses also have thorns. It was Charles Bukowski that said: “We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other, but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.”
One could say that I have been eaten up by nothing. I live this big flat, I have an amazing girlfriend and life is truly beautiful, or at least it should be. I remember having a time where I did not have food at home, when me and my family was dead broke and I had to be clever and creative to find solutions for my present moment situations, at that time I was truly alive. The sword was sharp and I was ready to head out to battle.
Alright! That was some real venting. God, that feels great. So…. What am I going to do about it all?
I have no idea where I am going, what my place is in the world or what I should be doing, but perhaps this isn’t as bad position as I think it is. The people who know, who have a fixed destination have no flexibility. I can start experimenting again. I love the science part of life. I love starting out with one hypothesis and if it turns out to be untrue, I always love going back to the drawing board again. It’s all about the process.
I think it’s time to mess up things again, and try new stuff. I’m a little bit older and a little bit wiser now, and perhaps I shouldn’t take life all that seriously. After all, we’re all going to die at some point or another.
My next venture is going to be starting a charity. I want to feed the hungry, I really want to work with feeding the kids in Africa, to me that would have a lot of meaning. I love kids and I think no one should ever go hungry. I’ve always been a dreamer and the past few months I have been working on the practical side of things. My practical side is telling me to start a feeding the homeless project here in Barcelona, and do that well before starting another project in Africa. Perhaps I should follow my gut and go for what and start that project that’s directed towards Africa or perhaps I should get practical and do the same project here in Barcelona where I currently live. I don’t know…. But I’m going to give it some time and the answer will come.
In any case, I’m turning off the comment section on the blog. I’m finally writing just for myself and only myself. I don’t really care anymore who reads or who isn’t. I’m not going to check the statistics anymore or bother with becoming the biggest blogger. I wonder what exciting things lie ahead…… 😉
The Laughing Heart by Charles Bukowski
your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight